Keys For Marital Success

Principles for Healthy Marital Relationships

· Develop an emotional bank account

Pay attention to the positive. In strong marriages, husband and wife share a deep sense of respect, friendship and mutual support of each other’s hopes and aspirations. They know a great deal about each other’s lives. Each partner has a good “love map” to the other’s interests and life.

Make deposits regularly. Make intimate contact verbally and physically, even in casual encounters. Touch his shoulder as you pass his chair. Reach for her hand when sitting close. Compliment her ideas. Catch him doing something right. When you have a disagreement, you will have an emotional savings balance to draw on.

· Seek help early.

The average couple waits six years before seeking help for marital problems (and keep in mind, half of all marriages that end do so in the first seven years). This means the average couple lives with unhappiness for far too long.

· Edit yourself.

Do discuss your real conflicts and differences. You cannot hide them without hurting your relationship. But couples who avoid saying every critical thought when discussing touchy topics are consistently the happiest.

Above all, avoid contemptuous comments. Contempt destroys marital (and other) relationships.

· Soften your conflict "start up."

Often painful arguments first "start up" because one spouse escalates the conflict from the beginning by making a critical or contemptuous remark in a confrontational tone. Bring up problems gently and without blame.

· Learn to repair and exit the argument.

Successful couples know how to exit an argument. Happy couples know how to repair the situation before an argument gets completely out of control. Successful repair attempts include: changing the topic to something completely unrelated; using humor; stroking your partner with a caring remark ("I understand that this is hard for you"); making it clear you're on common ground ("This is our problem"); backing down (In marriage, as in the martial art Aikido, you have to yield to win.); and, in general, offering signs of appreciation for your partner and his or her feelings along the way ("I really appreciate and want to thank you for.…"). If an argument gets too heated, take a 20-minute break, and agree to approach the topic again when you are both calm.

· Accept influence—especially men.

A marriage succeeds to the extent that the husband can accept influence from his wife. A woman says, "Do you have to work Thursday night? My mother is coming that weekend, and I need your help getting ready," and her husband replies, "My plans are set, and I'm not changing them". These people are in a shaky marriage. A husband's ability to be influenced by his wife (rather than vice-versa) is crucial because research shows women are already well practiced at accepting influence from men, and a true partnership only occurs when a husband can do so as well.

· Have high standards.

Happy couples have high standards for each other even as newlyweds. The most successful couples are those who, even as newlyweds, refused to accept hurtful behavior from one another. The lower the level of tolerance for bad behavior in the beginning of a relationship, the happier the couple is down the road.

· Focus on the bright side.

In a happy marriage, while discussing problems, couples make at least five times as many positive statements to and about each other and their relationship as negative ones. For example, "We laugh a lot;" not, "We never have any fun". A good marriage must have a rich climate of positivism.

(These suggestions are not conjecture, but based on the research and success of the Gottman Institute and the University of Washington “Love Lab.” Thirty-five years of direct observation of “Master Marriages.” )

The statistics are really bad. Forty-eight to fifty percent of all first marriages end in divorce, many of them in the first few years, during the “honeymoon” stage.

Even worse are the personal stories. You have so many friends who are divorced or on the way; it seems as though you are the only couple left with a solid marriage. Sometimes, while you are thinking about that, you begin to wonder even about your own relationship.

There are principles which work to solidify a relationship. Learning and making them habitual can help maintain a loving, satisfying marriage. Do they guarantee happiness? No. But if you apply them, the principles do put the odds greatly in your favor. .